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Notice to all Elasticity Worldwide Employees: Inclement Weather Policy


planes-trains-and-automobilesNote: Snow and/or significant ice is predicted for metro-St. Louis. Thus Elasticity is instituting its Inclement Weather Policy as stated below:

If bad weather has been forecasted for the Elasticity office, please follow this procedure:

Scenario 1: Things begin falling from the sky during normal working hours…
Run for your lives! If it is actually a sign of the coming Apocalypse, employees should code the time not worked to “Administrative/Rapture” on time sheets.

Scenario 2: Snow/Ice occurs during evening/overnight hours…
1.) In the event that a snow/ice storm is of such a serious nature that highways are closed, your legs, arms and brain are “paralyzed”, etc., after receiving direction from management, a company-wide voice mail message will be sent to all employees notifying them that the blinds will be drawn to avoid distractions while you work harder at your desks.
You’ll know it’s time to go when you hear Brian Cross’s BMW squeal across Tucker.

2.) Unless you are notified otherwise, Elasticity will be open for normal business. Employees may:

      a) Take a personal day (if available), a vacation day (if available) or, like most of us, pretend to work at home. Employees are expected to consult with their managers on the appropriate choice. If you work from home, be aware we know you’re not actually working.
      b) Come to work by avoiding snow-covered streets and driving across lawns to get here. If this kind of terrorist-style driving is possible, get to work as soon as you can and disregard all public regulations, traffic directions and pedestrian screams. If an employee is at work by 11:00 a.m., the employee will be credited with a full day’s work, but we will snicker behind his or her back. If employee does not arrive until after 11:00 a.m., time not worked should be accounted with vacation or personal time and we will whack your private parts with a yardstick.

3) If the office is closed and employees arrive, you are officially a dumbshit. Employees should loot the premises and return home.

Emergency Closing Voicemail Notification

Procedure:

1. Dial the imaginary office voicemail at 314-555-7466 or 1-800-555-6756;
2. Select the * asterisk, once operator begins to speak;
3. Enter the ID we never gave you followed by # key;
4. Enter your imaginary password followed by # key;
5. Press 1 to play new message;
6. Hang up and pray.

If the Elasticity office is closed, wait by the phone for a message on your individual voicemail, email from the receptionist/office manager or strange feeling you sometimes get that will provide details on the closing.

It may be a long wait, but it will be worth it.

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