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STAFF MEMO: LAVATORY REDIRECTION POLICY ANNOUNCED


MEMO TO ALL ELASTICITY STAFF & VISITORS

It has come to the attention of the management team that there has been unfettered and egregious abuse of the fourth floor lavatory by a myriad of Elasticity staff and visitors.

Whereas, as we are presently situated, Elasticity corporate facilities are equipped with one lavatory per 4,000-square-foot floor on levels three and four.  This means that if your personal workspace resides on floor three, your day-to-day lavatory use, particularly extend-stay bowel movements, should occur in said third floor lavatory. The same holds true for occupants of said fourth floor and use therein of the lavatory on that level.  Said malfeasance in “lavatory redirection” as defined by the World Economic Forum in Davos, has led to a dearth of critical resources and supplies in said fourth floor lavatory, vis-à-vis paper products and deodorizing spray intended to provide refreshing after-effects following individual lavatory visit.

Potentially of greater concern, particularly in light of recent public safety concerns, there has not been a consistent dearth of sanitizing hand soap in said fourth floor lavatory, which is troublesome considering the standard-issue fist-bumping that occurs on a day-to-day basis amongst Elasticity staff and visitors. This is a violation of Elasticity corporate policy as defined in the Employee Handbook..  

Whereas, many parties have maintained extensive over-use of said fourth floor lavatory, the management team desires to maintain a refreshing, harassment-free lavatory environment, void of excrement yet plentiful in paper products, deodorizing spray, and additional lavatory and marital-aid devices. Therefore wherein, and in exchange for mutual assurances seeking to re-redirect said present cases of “lavatory redirection,” the parties commit to a non-circumvention agreement that ensures for proper, equitable and fair use of said third and fourth floor lavatories by appropriate persons. All parties agree to the intended depletion of lavatory resources on the floor upon which their company-assigned personal workspace is located. However, exceptions are permitted in cases of pre-approved emergencies to include significant and urgent downward pressure upon the inner walls of the small and/or large intestines of Elasticity staff and visitors.

Let it be known, this mutual understanding amongst Elasticity staff therein amongst management and visitors to collectively adopt the above-stated terms and conditions and voluntarily enter into this agreement, which said parties acknowledge is legally binding at the time the parties have executed this agreement under executive seal.

Sincerely,

The Management Minus Andrew Barnett who is perhaps the greatest contributor (not including Zach) to said above-stated atrocities.

One Response to STAFF MEMO: LAVATORY REDIRECTION POLICY ANNOUNCED

  1. I must commend the agency for the use of dearth (twice!) in a blog post. However, please check paragraphs two and three: you used it correctly in one but not in the other, as the meaning seems to be the opposite.

    Bonus points for whereas, therein and amongst.

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