- Ratings bonanza as viewers rediscover the purity and joy of golf and then fall asleep on the coach.

- HDTV clarity allows viewers to see Tiger crossing his fingers during interviews about indiscretions.

- CBS finally able to use the Elin Nordegren video tips on the proper weight shift while swinging a two iron at your lying husband’s head.

- Final round coverage to include cutaway shot of different mistress on each hole.

- If Tiger wins, cross-promotion with Craigslist gives one free personals posting to every married man in America.

- When pointing to Tiger’s drives, commentators will use tiny Cadillac Escalades instead of standard yellow lines.

- Masters stocks smaller sized green jacket to accommodate Tiger’s vastly shrunken ego.

- As part of his separation agreement, when Tiger makes a crucial putt, instead of punching the air, Elin now punches Tiger.

- Pepsi uses Masters to roll out new platelet-rich plasma energy drink.

- Masters shelves announcement of Hooters as new name sponsor.