Eh, you’ve seen this picture before. A bunch of agency folk sitting around a table with their Macs, sipping alcoholic beverages, making fun of each other and pretending they care about football. And to be quite honest, the team at Elasticity wouldn’t have it any other way.
But seriously though – this picture says a lot. Andy’s laughing at all of us because his auto-drafted team is stronger than most picked by hand, Ryan’s staring at his feet, Ashton’s thinking of the next big move and Jamie’s pissed at Taylor because she solicited the help of Fontana, which got her the third most solid team according to the Elastic PPP Factor™. Oh, and then there’s me, the pathetic geek that uses the CBS draft strategy that lands me right in the middle of the pack, every time. Sigh…
A look at last year’s draft recap. PS. Jamie won by one point over Andy.
This year, I decided it was best to provide a look of the landscape using the Elastic PPP Factor™.
Elastic PPP Factor™
The Elastic PPP Factor™ was developed after consuming several alcoholic beverages. The factor combines individual projected player performance across each team, averaging overall performance metrics into a single score. (For details on methodology, ask when I’m not a 6-pack deep.)
Here’s my overall thought on each team with a final grade:
AJ Fontana – A
Solid last name and an even better team. He has Andy Dalton that is ranked fifth in QB fantasy points (277) and will most likely provide the points this skilled fantasy wiz is banking on.
Derek – D
Do you really want to put money down on this draft? The overall talent of your team is pretty shitty. Sure, you have Eddie Lacy, the 230-pound ball of thunder with soft receiving hands. But that’s not going to keep you team above water when one of your best players (Ryan Mathews) sprains their ankle right before playoff and has a wealth of alternatives on the bench.
Emily – B
If only her taste in players was as good as her taste in college football teams… Anywho, her quarterback is right up there with Payton Manning, which should prove well for her this season.
Jamie – D
I sat next to Jamie during this draft. She had laser focus but her three pages of typed up notes really didn’t land her in a good spot. Don’t get me wrong – she made a killer chili cheese dip. But the cheese dip isn’t going to be on the field.
Ashton – F
He’s sick right now, so I feel bad. Aaron Rodgers is really supplementing his team’s PPP score, but then there’s the fact that Frank Gore is an old man and Fred Jackson is kind of a flex player…
Andy – B
An auto-drafter at heart, Andy (erm, the computer) really knocked it out of the park again this year. He’s got Romo and Jamaal Charles, followed by three other players that are top caliber. Andy’s going to be another top player this season.
Taylor – A
She sat next to Fontana. He knows his shit. Therefore, I declare her a cheater, considering it was her first year both verbalizing an NFL player’s name and participating in fantasy.
Aaron – C
Aaron always seems to have a pretty solid team, which isn’t surprising considering he used the auto-draft too. But I really don’t want to talk about his team. Instead, let’s just think about that incredible facial hair and black pair of jeans that he wears 75% of the time. So sexy.
Dave – F
He was on a call for a good majority of the draft. Which is no excuse really. Dave should’ve used that red hair superpower of his a little more this year.
Nick – B
When he’s not throwing scissors at me or being jealous of my amazing head of hair, Nick can pull off a fantasy draft. He’s got some big names: Andrew Luck, Dez Bryant and DeMarco Murray. Good job, ‘er sumthin’.
Rachael – C
A fierce competitor and woeful fan of the Giants, Rach-A-E-L just couldn’t pull it together this year. Maybe if she wasn’t working so hard she could actually make a better decision than drafting Rashad Jennings and Victor Cruz.
Denny – A
Nice job not giving a shit about football and wearing Slayer shirts! Oh and thanks for not bringing shit to the draft and mooching off of everyone else’s food items. On the real real though, you have a great breakfast slammer.
Danica – F
Danica used the “I’m picking players based on my favorite numbers and favorite names” strategy. If you can even call that a strategy. Funny thing is, she’ll probably win it all in the end.
Jane – D
Jane’s a ginger and makes killer chocolate chip cookies. Basically, she’s God. I respect that.
Ryan – A
Ryan made a big comeback from last year’s draft. He has Peyton Manning and a lot of other above average players. If I had to put money on any of these teams, it’d be this one.
AJ Eads – C
Killer guac, dude. Not so good of picks. You drafted a QB with a fractured rib that took multiple hits in his first three seasons. Montee Ball is probable, Sammy Watkins is questionable and Steven Jackson is old as Nick. Start thinking about trades.
Zach – C
We get it, you know how to use excel and you have great hair. But shit man, stick to that. You’re not going too far with Foster that just came off serious back surgery and Maclin with his recovering ACL.