Let’s start here: This is the most important blog post you will ever read … at least in the next 7.3 minutes. So there you have it. The table stakes are set. Expectations are high. I must deliver. I will deliver.

Now, the last four years or so have been pretty good to me in spite of COVID-19. My kids are in a good place, my wife is happy, the dogs sleep on the furniture, I quit drinking and am managing my soul crushing anxiety thus am pretty darn happy, business has been very good, I’m playing music in a band I love. I really cannot complain.

So perhaps it’s karma or simply just my turn, but lately I’ve been going through a tough stretch. We all do, after all, and then must seek for the means to pull ourselves out. There are numerous ways, of course. Sometimes we take a walk, do mindless manual labor, call an old friend, shop for a new pair of outdated pants, buy a lake house, go on a bender, take a sledgehammer to an enemy’s car or just mercilessly abuse someone we believe to be inferior to ourselves. You know, that old chestnut.

This time around, however, I tried something new: I purchased the exceptional book WHAT WOULD SKELETOR DO? Diabolical Ways to Master the Universe by Robb Pearlman.

In reading the epic page-turner, I learned a number of lessons that I would be remiss if I did not pass them along to you—my colleagues, clients, friends, frenemies and mortal foes. Plus, I found some of Skeletor’s thinking to be consistent with how a number of clients have treated my teammates and me over the years. And they are much more powerful and insightful leaders than I will ever be. Hence, you must read this blog post in full! It is, indeed, the most important business blog post you will ever read… at least in the next 7.3 minutes. So listen up, pay attention, take your ADHD meds and let’s review:

• Friends and family can offer counsel when trying to navigate life’s twists and turns. It’s important to listen to, and calmly consider, their suggestions. Then, after a few moments of lulling them into a sense of calm, mock them mercilessly for their nincompoopery and do what you wanted to do in the first place.
• You will be judged by what you wear—especially your shoes. Make sure they’re clean, laced up, and always at the ready to kick someone while they’re down.
• Whether it’s starting a rumor, casting a spell, or making overdramatic pronouncements about the quality of services provided at local businesses, do what you can to ruin their fun. It will keep the attention squarely on you and ensure that, in the future, they remember that you’re the glue that binds your chosen family together.

• If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it in a stage whisper, then point and laugh.
• Sometimes we all look at a couple lovingly holding hands and think: “He’s got a girlfriend and I’m still single?” Rather than dwelling on the randomness of the universe and the weight of the crushing black hole of loneliness in which you find yourself, focus that rage on crushing your enemies. We all die alone, so take solace in watching them die first!
• Decorating? Use a common motif around your entire home, like cold, gray stones or furniture made from the bones of your fallen foes. By creating a visual design story, you’ll tie everything together and will be noticed not only by your lackies, but by your captives as well.

• Water features make excellent additions to any home. They’re relaxing and perfect for drowning your enemies.
• Upset? Shake your fists to the heavens as you curse your higher power for surrounding you with fools and miscreants—especially the ones with the flowing golden locks and happy families lives who seem to get all the breaks.
• Always move your face as close as possible to the speaker during a conference call.
• Make sure your seat is just a little higher than everyone else’s.

There it is—the most important blog post you will ever read … in the next 7.3 minutes

You’re welcome.