As a universal rule, the traditional news release is dreadful.  No one reads them. Reporters don’t believe, nor use, the contrived quotes that are manufactured by public relations people for executives in them. And releases generally don’t influence most sane people’s perspective on a brand or help to sell products.

I recently polled a mix of reporters about news releases. They all said they mostly did not pay attention to releases, and didn’t care a great deal nor believe much of the content. They concurred that what mattered was the trust factor with the flak pitching the story and whether those flaks respected the process — short pitches, relevance to their beat, timely, and actually being newsworthy.

Plus, with all of the cutbacks in media, the reporters who are left have less time than ever for nonsense.

On March 17, Elasticity put this release on our blog about the hiring of two senior people.  Written in a parodying style, it mocks the model of the hiring news release itself while still speaking to the experience we added to our team. Just like some of our client work, we felt that using parody could break through a cluttered and boring space, in that hiring releases are particularly painful to read.

We sent the release to leading industry trades and local media, but also chose to include a news wire distribution. We first submitted the release to PR Newswire, which initially refused saying the content was not appropriate for the wire. Then we went to Business Wire, which asked for vast edits, written approvals from third parties we quoted, and a note from Epstein’s mother.

It didn’t seem to matter to the wires that the release was factual and had no make-believe CEO quotes as do most releases they run. It should also be noted that Andy Barnett does, in fact, love Norwegian death metal music. And while PR Newswire would eventually come back and beg forgiveness, the entire exercise was enlightening for varying reasons:

• News wires don’t understand that they have become part of the information clutter problem as they are unable to allow for variance from the formulaic styles and machinations of 20 years ago.
• How many hours and how much budget is wasted by agencies writing two- and three-page news releases that are not read beyond the first graph?
• And with editors and reporters ignoring the news release wire feeds, what does that mean for the news release wires as viable mediums for companies to reach the media?

The wires took exception to our release because we were not only parodying the hiring news release as a medium, but also the ineffectiveness of the wires themselves. What was amazing in our case was that the wires actually paid attention to, and questioned, the content they were reviewing — because more often than not they distribute releases that are filled with meaningless or unsubstantiated claims of excellence and falsified quotes.

In essence, news releases — which once were used to actually place stories — are now good for little other than proliferating the web with spam. Outside of earnings releases — which are legally binding — news releases have largely lost effectiveness and credibility, and as a result, the wires are no longer an effective tool for public relations practitioners.

So on behalf of every reporter out there with a jam-packed e-mail inbox, and with apologies to the good people whose livelihoods depend on the news wires, we officially beg the PR industry to stop. Stop with the contrived, corp-speak-heavy quotes that are manufactured for CEOs and dropped into news releases ad naseum. Stop thinking that reporters have time for, or are interested in, inauthentic releases from companies. Stop wasting your clients’ time and budget by manufacturing these things.

Let’s come up with smarter solutions than the tired mediums that last saw the positive side of effectiveness in the 20th Century, maybe even lighten up a bit, and create communications methods that focus on using today’s social tools that can create direct connectivity with consumers and businesses to engage in discussions about issues, products, or people.  Oh, and maybe consider joining the United Karate Kid Haircut Association.

But really, let’s kill the traditional news release.

You’re welcome.